Brutally Honest Monday: this post may self-destruct in three days

I haven't been around here much lately and that's because when the going gets tough I tend not to blog about it. I've always meant for this blog to be more baby book than mom confessional and I've written it with the intent that one day Delaney (and now Waylon) will be able to read it. But that leaves me with no place to be fully honest, no place to air my dirty laundry, no place to let loose about what's really going on in the trenches of my parenting boot camp. I certainly don't want to leave my kids with the impression that their childhood and my years of on-the-job training as a parent were all kisses and lollipops but I also don't want to detail, here, the really ugly, sometimes scary, messy stuff that they may wish I'd kept private.

But today, the stink comes off. The laundry gets aired out. I'm starting to crack and I have to get this out. I'm not enjoying motherhood very much right now. It's not the first time I've ever felt this way (obviously) and it won't be the last (evidently). It's not something every other mother out there hasn't felt before. I'm not unique in feeling this way. But man, does it suck.

These feelings stem mostly from the wretchedly terrible, seemingly unending period of sibling rivalry angst that causes Delaney to hurt her brother and others with very little remorse for her inexcusable actions. She's also unbelievably defiant and uncontrollable and it's so difficult to be around her right now. Is this what Three is all about, I ask myself. Or are our issues with her larger than those of the average pissed off tot?

I'm also feeling detached from Roger. He works hard all week and then has to work all weekend too as we try to get our house ready to sell. We never get to see each other or spend fun time alone together and I'm sure that the stress we're under is also making him feel dragged down and empty too.

In addition to all that, I've sunken to a new low in the "taking care of myself" department. I'm not exercising or eating right. And because I can't exactly drink my stress away I've been eating one (or four) too many donuts instead, knowing it's wrong but still feeling like I deserve some small (large?), guilty pleasure.

OK. This is all very, "Woe is me!" Look, I know this time is precious and fleeting. My kids will only be this young once and I should treasure every minute. I know other people have worse problems than me and trust me, I'm grateful for all that I have. I know I shouldn't complain about any of this because I wanted kids and I am very lucky to have them. And I do love them to pieces. But still, I'm not having much fun or feeling at all like myself right now.

I feel haggard and dragged down and just plain spent at the end of each day, never feeling like I actually accomplished anything other than keeping the kids fed and bathed and keeping Delaney from harming her baby brother. Is it wrong to want more out of life than that? To want to enjoy reading again, to date my husband, to get regular haircuts, to visit with friends and reclaim a little part of the me I seem to have left behind in that operating room four months ago? Or am I being overly dramatic because caring for two little kids simply is a difficult business fraught with defiance and outbursts and poop, lots of poop, but it all passes eventually (and much too quickly upon reflection)? Do I need to just chill out and stop bitching and be grateful for everything I have? Or is it OK to kvetch and moan about the things stewing inside me right now, recognizing and then releasing the negative so it doesn't stay in and fester?

Visit Mrs. Flinger for more of Brutally Honest Monday.

Comments

[karen]

Oh, honey. You may be nearing the point when you'll suddenly understand the woman who drowned all her kids in a bathtub. I'm not saying you'd ever do that - just that you will understand her. Two little kids is enough to keep you from dating your husband or taking care of yourself...but trying to sell a house on top of it? You should win an award! Hang on - you will make it through this. Roger, Delaney and Waylon will, too. I'm just getting to the point where my kids can exist without me. The baby fat is all gone and they're making their own plans, executing their own ideas. I don't really long for their baby days...but I long for my babies. Just like with labor - you'll live through it. You'll heal. You'll wish you could do it again. Thinking of you in NJ...

[mamasutra]

Let it out! You have to. There is so much around us as moms to make us feel like we should be happy and thrilled with every moment, but it is so very very very hard to be a mom all day every day. For me, I compared being a mom to being at my job, and I couldn't figure out what was so different: if I loved my kids so much, why was it so frustrating? But, I'd spent 6 years in university training to be a teacher, and then had 10 years of experience, compared to on the job training as a mom, and even after almost 4 years, I'm still pretty new at this. And I always felt like no matter what happened at work, I was always going to walk away from it by the end of the workday. The never-ending part of motherhood can be...ummm...I'm sure you can provide your own adjective.

Add in sibling #2: whole new ball game. The first time I went out with friends after little sis was born and left them with daddy, big sis bit little sis on the arm HARD. Like so much else, it does get easier, and it does get better. Big sis now helps little sis get her shoes on when we go out, and takes her hand when we are out and about. Those moments of heartswelling sweetness do come, and they become the norm in time.

Sorry to hijack your blog. Your post really hit home for me; it feels like days ago when I was feeling the same way, which just reminds me how fast they grow up. My new quote (can't remember the source, think I read it in Real Simple): when you have kids, the days are long, but the years are short.

Okay, I'll go peacefully now...must stop blathering!

[MamaChristy]

I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time. It's good to remind yourself that just because someone has it harder than you (they have trouble having babies in the first place, they have to work outside the home, they live in a third-world country - whatever) doesn't mean that your troubles aren't very real and very valid in your life. Be thankful for your kids, but don't berate yourself for being sad or angry or frustrated about the things you might like to change or wish would be different today instead of six weeks from now. You are allowed to feel those things. And you are allowed to NOT feel guilty just because someone has it worse than you.

This will end. Hopefully sooner rather than later. In the meantime, would you like high-octane or decaf on Friday?

[Mrs. Flinger]

I love you for being honest. There's no reason to hide behind pretenses, especially here, especially to your children who will read it one day. It's a hard transition. Transitioning to two kids was really REALLY tough for me, too. Bob and I, well, it was hard. But it's nearing an end and I tell ya we're JUST NOW starting to come out of the fog.

We're here. We love you. And you know you're not alone. But it's also OK to say it sucks sometimes. Because? It does.

XO

[Andy]

I say kvetch and moan because this stuff is hard. So very, very hard.

I feel like half of my conversations with anyone willing to listen are about just how hard it is right now. I envy people with one kid and confess that I roll my eyes when the complain because, really, how hard can just one kid be? (kidding here, I know it's hard in it's own way.)

I can also identify with your husband woes. My husband and I work opposite shifts so I'm rocking the parent things solo about 90% of the time (as is he) and though it was the decision we made, it's just a lot harder than I thought it would ever be. And then during the times we are together we're butting heads because we're both so used to doing it our own way when the other isn't around. I'm not trying to make this about me, but if we're all being brutally honest I might as well jump in, I suppose.

Anyway, in a small effort to identify with just how hard it is, I wanted to share my experiences but it looks like I've totally hijaked your blog. Like the above poster it's just really hit home for me.

Feel free to email if you ever want to get it out without airing it here.

[Arkie Mama]

OK, first? Age 3 is waaaay more difficult than age 2. If twos are terrible, then threes are positively demonic.

The first year with two kids was definitely the toughest. I always felt like I was shortchanging one or the other or chronically short of patience.

And my wardrobe? I'm still trying to block out those lingering images.

Kvetch away. It's a difficult time. And on top of that, you're moving. Yikes.

I'm betting some of that stress will fade once the house obligations are done.

In the meantime, hang in there. Delaney will grow to like her brother, no matter how much she seems to detest him at the moment. (Trust me, I speak from experience. The little devils will one day unite just so they can plot against you.)

*hugs*

[Nadine]

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. And I hope and I'm sure it will get better in time.

I recognize some parts of your post and I really think you're brave for posting so honestly about your feelings. I bet it does help in dealing with these issues!

And I haven't quite figured out what to do when Monkey pretends to hit our little 3 month old. Right now, it's pretend and it's only happened twice.

Hang in there! :)

[Anna from Hank and WIllie]

You just made this the perfect baby book. It is real, honest and will give your children another dimension to their childhood. And when they are parents wheeeee will it be awesome to see this!

[Linda]

The thing about treasuring every minute? Well, some minutes are way more treasurable than others!

I'm thinking that if office workers have coffee breaks, moms should have daily "scream breaks," where you just step outside for a moment and screech at the top of your lungs.

Every other mom on your street will understand perfectly.

Hang in there. The cute moments WILL come. And if Delaney and Waylon end up having kids, they'll know parenthood is not (by a longshot!) just cuddles and cotton candy.

Gee, I really know how to get Mother's Day off to a roaring start! :-)