The Delaney and Waylon Diaries

I am mama, hear me ROAR

My discussion with our pediatrician, Dr. R., went better than expected today. That's not to say he didn't try to talk me out of an alternative vaccination schedule or that he didn't give me a lecture on the horrible dangers my baby boy may face if I delay certain vacs or that he didn't blame vaccine opponents for spreading misinformation that could potentially cause a future increase in some pretty terrible diseases in our population. But, he did listen. We spoke respectfully to each other. I showed him The Vaccine Book (he'd heard of it but hadn't read it) and told him that reading it had enlightened my view of vaccinations, leading me to make the decision that an alternative schedule is best for Waylon. I was calm and confident and felt strongly about my position so I knew I had a good chance of making a positive impact on him. And our appointment ended in a compromise and an unexpected hug from Dr. R. which, for a non-hugging kind of guy, was a pretty big deal.

I went in to the office today determined only to get the DTaP and Rotavirus vacs for Waylon. I'd planned to delay the Pc and HIB for a month. Dr. R. did his best to put the fear of God into me over delaying the HIB vaccine as he described the two cases of resulting meningitis he'd seen during his 20+ years in pediatrics (one patient, a baby, died and the other patient graduated from high school but will never have friends or a job due to his disabilities). And although in The Vaccine Book Dr. Sears describes the risk from HIB as uncommon, with only about 25 cases in our country each year, I felt that going ahead with it today, especially since the brand they were offering was aluminum-free, would be a good compromise to show our concerned doctor that I was willing to listen to and respect his opinions.

Still, it was obvious that he was quite bothered that I was challenging the norm. He told me that if I'd said I didn't want to vaccinate at all he'd have to "let me go" because as a practice they had decided not to support non-vaccinating parents (He also said he was not 100% comfortable with that policy because he felt that if the parents stayed in the practice he'd eventually be able to convince them to get their kids vaccinated.). I, personally, think it's wrong to punish parents (and thereby their kids) from having opinions that differ from your own. You know, "do no harm" and all that. He kept trying to reassure me that his frustration stemmed not only from me declaring my position today but the fact that he's hearing from more and more parents who are concerned about vaccinating and that slows things down. I'm sure he wonders why we can't all just be quiet and trust and obey. But questioning the norm can only be a good thing. I told him that doctors shouldn't feel threatened by educated parents who are thoughtful and concerned enough to read, to research, to ask questions. He agreed, but rather grumpily.

I asked him what he thought about the aluminum content in several of the vaccines and whether or not a baby's kidneys could be expected to excrete the large amount included in combo vacs. He wasn't sure (and according to Dr. Sears, no one is. No extensive studies have been done to show that excessive aluminum is or is not a problem. But wouldn't you rather err on the side of caution and give your baby only one aluminum vaccine per visit that he's likely to be able to excrete in his urine instead of possibly overloading his system with a heavy metal that, in large quantities, he may not be able to excrete causing it to accumulate in his bones and brain?). I asked him about the animal tissues (cow fetal blood parts and monkey kidney tissue) present in some of the vacs as well as chemicals such as formaldehyde and how safe they are or aren't. He wasn't sure about that either. Then, I (rather respectfully I'd like to think) offered to lend him my copy of The Vaccine Book. If his patients are constantly bringing it up I thought he'd like to know, first-hand, what he's up against. He (rather respectfully) declined and instead said he'd have his medical student give it a look. Well, small steps will still get you where you want to go, I guess. At least he didn't didn't dismiss the suggestion completely.

I think it's probably easy for all doctors, not just pediatricians, to fall into a pattern of following the status quo and not questioning things. They are busy. They have lives outside of medicine. They trust that the AAP and the AMA will do their due diligence and keep them informed of important changes in the way things are done. And while I'm sure most doctors keep up with studies released in various medical journals regarding things such as the safety of vaccines, not all studies are independent which makes you wonder whose agendas could potentially be behind them. The bigger issue here, in my opinion, is that doctors should not chastise or dump parents who ask questions, who need answers, who want to be reassured that what they're being told to do is safe, especially when it comes to the health and wellbeing of their most precious, adored children.

Luckily, albeit begrudgingly, our pediatrician is open to working with me on an alternative vaccination schedule. I fear that many parents across the U.S. aren't finding this same flexibility with their doctors.

This is all for him because I never, ever want that perfect smile to be erased from his amazing, little face.

Why I get to find out what our pediatrician's really made of

I'll be bringing up the topic of a delayed vaccination schedule with him tomorrow at Waylon's four-month visit. Honestly, this is something I never thought I'd do. When Delaney was born I a.) wasn't very educated about vaccines and b.) wasn't very concerned about any adverse effects from them. And when Waylon was born I wasn't worried about the shots either. Vaccines never bothered Delaney one little bit. The kid never even got a fever. I just assumed Way would handle it all well too. But when he had a fever of 103 for 48 hours and wouldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time for four days straight after getting his two-month vacs I started to get nervous. Add to that the fact that we could (possibly but hopefully not probably) have risk factors for autism: 1 in 88 boys get autism; a father's advanced age may make a child more susceptible to autism (Roger's 54); Way has had more digestive issues (albeit minor ones) than his sister ever did as a newborn; and I became downright concerned about vaccinating. So I did what any self-respecting, 21st century, uninformed-about-vaccines mother would do. I ordered a book from Amazon.

I chose Dr. Sears', The Vaccine Book, because the reviews I'd read of it labeled it as middle-of-the-road--neither pro-  nor anti-vaccine--and I really wanted as unbiased an opinion as I could get. It's a great book and if you have any questions or concerns about vaccinating I highly recommend it. While the vaccine debate is daunting (to un-scientific me, at least), Sears carefully spelled everything out for me and it was a quick but enlightening read. Going into this I never though of myself as "anti-vaccine." But I did have reservations about the side effects of vaccines as well as concerns about what chemicals and additives they might contain. Sears details each AAP recommend vac, the disease it works to prevent and the way in which the vac is produced (including lists of ingredients). After reading the book I'm still in favor of vaccines but Sears did make me a believer in an alternative vaccination schedule that, while still including each and every AAP recommended vaccine, spreads out the delivery so that children get no more than two vacs at each visit.

Our pediatrician's an older guy (probably Roger's age - ha!) and he's pretty old school. We like him because he's straight-forward, no nonsense and he listens to our my concerns (Roger doesn't have concerns - ahhhh, what life must be like to live worry-free!). Tomorrow I'll be bringing my dogeared, highlighted, and annotated copy of Sears' book to discuss with him my quest to get our son onto an alternative vaccination schedule that doesn't include combination shots. His nurse practitioner assures me that he's more liberal on the vaccine debate than the other doctors in the practice but that may be like saying Rush Limbaugh is more liberal than Ann Coulter. I'm a little nervous but when I remember that I'm doing this because my mother gut tells me to, I know I'm doing the right thing. Wish me luck!

Other work-from-home moms will recognize this picture...

...because it's one example of how we attempt to entertain our babies while working. Throw in a few more kids and this place would look exactly like a daycare center.

Today was my first day back to work from a very brief, eight-week maternity leave. While part of me was not at all ready to go back it was exciting immersing myself in my job again and using my partially -post-partum-addled brain. The hardest part was not playing with Way the entire time because today, one day before his two-month birthday, he found his laugh!

When you're up you're up, but when you're down you're DOWN

I was all set to write about my rockstar mama day today but then I got my comeuppance. Why is that always the case?

I started out the day after having received a lovely gift: Waylon slept for seven hours straight last night, nursed for 45 minutes, and then went back to sleep for two and a half hours!!! Nicole said I shouldn't blog about it for fear of jinxing it but I wanted to write about it so when I'm old and bored I can read these blog entries and know how far we came in only a matter of weeks--it was only 2 1/2 weeks ago when things looked so bleak and now things improve every day. Anyway, the day got better: Roger took Delaney to preschool and Waylon and I had breakfast with a friend. Blueberry and walnut pancakes. Does it get any better?

Next, we headed to Target. I'd fed Way right before we left (I've been proud of my ability this go 'round to nurse in public. I rarely did that with Delaney, mostly because I was unsure of myself. This time I'm a pro, having nursed in at least 6-7 restaurants and public locations in the past few weeks. Go, me!). He should have been sated for a while. But, if I'd been paying attention to the way he's been cluster feeding the last few days (nursing every hour to hour and a half) I would have realized that Target was a little ambitious for today. When he started screaming from his carseat, atop the cart, I knew we were in trouble. I pulled out my sling and popped him into it, hoping he'd go to sleep. No such luck. He was in close proximity to the boob and he knew it. He only screamed more. I'd never nursed him in the sling--the logistics hadn't made sense to me so I hadn't tried it. But, I did what any self-respecting rockstar mama would do. I pulled out my breast, stuck it in his mouth and continued to shop. It's deceptively easy to nurse in a sling while pushing a cart through Target. I doubt anyone even noticed. If they did, I certainly didn't care. Mama had stuff to buy, places to go and the baby was happy.

We followed that errand with a trip to the grocery store to get fixings for dinner. Then we came home, had a quick lunch, ran our paperwork to our tax man and headed off to pick up Delaney from school. I was beaming at all I'd accomplished today. Look at me! I'm a mother of two and yet I can get things done. I rock!

But just as I was patting myself on the back, things got dicey and I was reminded that you can be a rockstar mama one moment and the world's worst mother the next.

Delaney has a habit of running into the street or a parking lot and ignoring our pleas for her to stop and return to us. It's dangerous. It's potentially disastrous. It's not something she does all the time but she's done it enough to take several years off my life for sure. No matter what we say to her, how we punish her, she continues to do it. And she did it again today when I picked her up from school.

My hands were full carrying her brother, her lunch box and the ridiculous amount of papers her two-day-a-week preschool sends home. With full hands I had to unlock, open, relock and close a gate for us to get to the parking lot, leaving me with no free hand to hold Delaney. On most days handling all of this is an inconvenient hassle. But today that hassle could have turned deadly. As soon as I unlocked the gate, Delaney pushed past me and started running. The gate to the lot is located right near a corner where parents drive around to park and get their kids. Some parents drive a little too fast. Some don't look carefully to make sure kids aren't in the street. And some parents are careful and considerate safe drivers. But I honestly believe that even the safest driver, had they come around the corner when Delaney was running, wouldn't have been able to avoid hitting her. Our only saving grace is that there was no car coming around the corner today when Delaney ran out.

My rockstar mama status was quickly cancelled out by the fact that I am unable to control my child to keep her safe. I am at my wits end. I don't know how to get through to her about how dangerous her behavior is. I've punished her. I've talked to her. I've yelled at her. I've pleaded with her. Nothing works. If only there was a rockstar mama school where they could teach me this parenting sh*t. Because, although I have moments of clarity, I really have no idea what I'm doing.

Happy birthday to me (not)

I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I have just about everything in my life I've ever wanted. But I will always remember this as the toughest and certainly one of the most depressing times of my life (luckily for me I have very few of those). Just when I think we're about to catch a break (Waylon's weight is finally starting to rise; he is sleeping a bit better; Delaney has stopped attacking her brother; I was able to take a shower) some crappy thing happens (Delaney catches a nasty cold; her tiny brother catches it too and is completely miserable and can't sleep unless I hold him upright all day and night; I'm back to getting only 2-3 hours of sleep a night; Delaney throws sibling-angst-induced tantrums; Delaney wakes up with what appears to be pink eye). Add to those unfortunate circumstances the bleak, dark, cold January weather and you've got a recipe for "Woe is Me" pie (best served with hot coffee containing a shot--or eight--of Jack Daniels). Yes it's safe to say that on this, my 37th birthday, I'm wallowing in self pity.

My best friend (who just had her first baby in July) totally understands what I'm going through. Her daughter had colic and reflux. And, while I'm not dealing with those exact problems, I obviously have my own set of challenges. Her daughter is now six months old and so she keeps reminding me that it does get better. It gets easier. I remember that it did get better with Delaney but it was never this hard to begin with. Having two kids is HARD. Although everyone told me how hard it would be I had to experience it for myself to understand that. And it's to tough accepting how our lives have changed. Even though I know things will get better, easier (?) and more manageable, things feel pretty bleak right now. I feel trapped in this tiny house with two small beings who constantly need, need, need and who try my patience and push my buttons and some days all I want to do it make a break for it and drive south, alone, until I hit the beach.

Lot of friends also told me that three years old (or nearly so as Delaney is) is a great age for a child to have a sibling. But this is one of the toughest parts for me...dealing with Delaney and her feelings regarding her brother and this new situation. She acts out so much that we're constantly correcting her. This leads her to act out even more (because, as they say, it doesn't matter to the kid if the attention is bad or good as long they're getting some kind of attention) and we correct her again which leads to a vicious circle of more bad behavior. We're flying blind on how to help her through this and most days it feels like we're not doing that great of a job. I feel guilty that I can't spend as much time with her as I used to. I feel like I'm failing her daily as her mother. No wonder she acts out. She realizes that her formerly fun mom isn't fun any more and has been replaced instead by a tired old hag who can't seem to spend enough time with her and who only complains about what she's doing wrong. If I were her I'd act out too.

Still, ever the optimist (And why? I need to give that angle up. It's definitely not working for me lately.) who tries to focus on the bright side of life, I must mention that yesterday Waylon smiled at me. And not once, but twice and two more times today! So, there is that. He's developing his little personality and making me realize that although we seem to be mired in a dark hell right now, things are changing ever so slightly for the better. I suppose I need to turn my attention to the little things that count most to get me through these days. Because this is definitely the life I want, the life that's filled with my fantastic husband, my two kids, my family and friends, my job. And I am lucky. Very lucky. At least, on some level, I still know that.

Sling help

I didn't use a sling when Delaney was born. Didn't even know they existed at the time. We had a snuggly (cheap Baby Bjorn thing) but Roger used it more than I did. I found it to be uncomfortable and Delaney never really took to it when I wore it. But this time around I'd love a great-fitting, comfortable, light-weight sling. There are so many out there now. How do you know which one's right for you? What sling(s) do you love?

Thank God for parents

I don't write often enough here about my parents and how wonderful they are. They do so much for us. They saved me today by watching Delaney all morning so I could work at a nearby coffee house. They did the same for me last week and they do it all the time, watching her whenever I need them to, without asking for anything in return. They feed her breakfast, make her lunch, play with her and keep her happy and safe while I go to doctor's appointments, have lunch with the mamas and work on no-school days.

Roger's mom ("Wizzerbelle") who unfortunately doesn't live near us, does more than her fair share too. She just surprised us with a contribution she said was for our "new baby fund" and she sends Delaney cards and books and clothes when she sees things that she knows Delaney will love. She and Delaney talk on the phone all the time. I know she wishes she could see Delaney more often and it's hard for her that we live so far away. I wish that wasn't the case and that all of our family lived in the same city. But she does a wonderful job of letting us know how much she loves us and how much she cares.

I only hope that when Big Brother, Big Sis, Delaney and new baby are grown we're able to support them and do all of the things for them that our parents have done for us. As their parents it will be our privilege.

The Great Virtual Breast Fest

When Delaney was six months old I asked my cousin, a professional photographer, to take photos of me breastfeeding her. Before Delaney was born I knew I wanted to breastfeed but I had no idea how special the experience would be and how much I would cherish the special bonding time it brought to our relationship. I wanted to remember every detail of the wonderful experience of feeding my daughter and I wanted to be able to share it with her, visually, one day. The photos below are just a few from that photo session and I'm proud to share them here. There is nothing sexual or titillating about breastfeeding a child. It shocks me that in this day and age there are still people who have the audacity to say that something this natural, this nutritive, this beneficial is anything other than a beautiful gift from God.

Lend breastfeeding mothers everywhere your support by viewing more photos, video and live footage of mothers breastfeeding today at The League of Maternal Justice's Great Virtual Breast Fest.

The Great Virtual Breast Fest of 2007 - details now available

Visit The League of Maternal Justice to see how you can participate in The Great Breast Fest of 2007.

I breastfed Delaney for 17 months and plan to breastfeed baby #2 this December when he arrives. So, because I'm not currently breastfeeding I won't be able to submit live footage or video on Oct. 10. But I'm glad I had some professional breastfeeding photos taken when Delaney was about six months old. Be sure to visit this site on October 10 to see them!

Today's the day

My best friend is having her baby today! Her water broke last night and she's been laboring, naturally, for nearly 12 hours. I woke up around 4am and couldn't get back to sleep because I wondered what was happening. Did she have the baby yet, I wondered? Probably not, I reasoned, since it's her first. Still, you never know. My mind raced into the early morning hours as I laid in bed and pondered what she was going through and remembered the bittersweetness of my labor with Delaney and her birth.

This dear friend and I have been through everything together over the last 21 years: Honors English class projects; practicing for plays in theatre; being each other's alibis so we could sneak off with some guy we thought was worth it (and they never were). I taught her how to smoke when we were 16 (oops, my bad) while sitting in my parents' car outside of some high school party we shouldn't have attended. We've seen each other through happy, crazy, sad and poisonous relationships. We hung out for a few years at a pool hall where she waitressed in our 20s and later, when she became a homeowner, we'd sit in the nook of her kitchen and drink wine and wonder what life had in store for us in our 30s. I helped her through a divorce and she helped me when my psycho, controlling boyfriend tried to kill himself in my garage (good times!). We've both been lucky enough to marry the loves of our lives and our husbands both happen to be previously divorced with two kids apiece which gives us even more common ground to talk to death. She's like an aunt to Delaney and was the only person other than family I wanted to visit me in the hospital when Delaney was born and we were so sick.

We've driven each other crazy, gotten into fights over nothing, and something, and reconciled like two lovers who can't stay mad at each other no matter what. And we never run out of things to talk about. We've made lots of choices over the years, some good and some bad. But no matter what, we've supported each other.

And now, she's becoming mother too. I'm thrilled and excited and so happy that her long-awaited baby girl is coming today! I can't wait for her to experience the depth of love, the joy and the sweet, conflicting turmoil that being a parent brings. And I especially can't wait to be able to talk with her, mother to mother, about the precious kids we'll love with all our hearts who'll, no doubt, drive us crazy for the rest of our lives.

Welcome to the world, Baby M!