Losing the battle, losing the war

Cyndy recently asked me how things were going in regards to Delaney scratching others and how we were disciplining her over it. Last night I told her,

"We're still having problems with Delaney's scratching. But, some days are better than others. My new tactic is that if she scratches me, I tell her no and tell her that we don't scratch, instead we touch softly and I show her how. Then, I tell her if she scratches again, she's going in her crib and I'm leaving the room. It's a hard thing to do. When I put her in the crib, she cries and cries, but I only leave her for one minute and then I go back. I think (hope!) she's starting to get the point...that her actions have consequences. She is smart and she knows she isn't allowed to scratch. She will come up to me and say, "Foft (meaning, soft)" and stroke my arm. So, I know she gets it. Now it's just a battle of wills, one that I am DETERMINED to win."

But, today, I'm losing. Delaney's scratching problem is getting worse. Or perhaps it's not worse, but I'm getting to witness her doing it to other children so it seems much worse. Oh, who am I kidding? It IS worse. Seeing your child hurt others is no picnic. It's awful, ugly and embarrassing. It's bad enough to hear from the gym daycare workers that your kid hurt another kid. But, where you're right there, watching it happen in slow motion and you're unable to control it, well, I felt like the crazy lady in the dog obedience class who can't control her manic puppy.

Let me step back for a moment and tell you that today was our second class together at The Little Gym. We took a free class last week to check it out and Delaney loved it. It's the perfect place for her to run and climb and, I thought, play with other kids her age. Last week, she did scratch a child, but only twice and one time it could have been an accident. She even said, "Sorry," to the little boy she scratched, so I felt pretty good that. No scratching is obviously the goal, but at least she understood that it wasn't nice and she apologized (or whatever it is that 16-month-olds do when they admit they're wrong. Uh, yeah.). We had such a good time that I signed us up for the rest of summer and for the fall "semester" and we went back today. That's when all hell broke loose.

Delaney would walk up to little eight- and ten-month-old babies and just scratch them in the eyes or across the face. For no reason. It was mortifying. The other mothers acted like it was no big deal, and I appreciated that, but it was still horrifying. My sweet little girl was deliberately hurting others. I mean, if it happened once or twice to one or two kids, maybe that would be no big deal, but Delaney almost made a game of it, as if the teacher said, "OK kids, now we're going to run around the room and scratch as many faces as we can. Extra credit for drawing blood!" She was toddling around, racking up the points. Each time she did it, I'd grab her immediately and do what I described to Cyndy above (minus the time out in the crib obviously) but she was too distracted by the music and the other kids that my stern talks didn't seem to register. I began following her around, waiting for her to pounce so I could pre-empt her attacks. I never wanted to be a "helicopter" mother, but there I was hovering. I wanted to protect the other kids (and that of my reputation as a decent mother, if I'm being honest).

I've talked to her doctor about it and sought advice from other parents. I've even asked Moxie and I'm eagerly awaiting her response. I know that in some cases she's doing it to see what the response will be (either mine or the person she's scratched). I know that in other cases, she's doing it to be defiant, as she does when I tell her no about something. No matter the case, I'm convinced that she knows it's wrong. Yet, she does it still. I'm at the end of my rope with her hurtful behavior. And if I can't even win this one battle how will I ever, in years to come, win the war?

Comments

[MamaSutra]

No advice from me, unfortunately. At our house, it's the biting. In less than 24 hours, Big Girl has bitten everyone in the house except for the cat. We've been doing time outs on the stairs, and she's figured out that she should go there when she's been bad. It might be decreasing her bad behaviors somewhat...I can't really tell right now. Argh.

[MamaChristy]

I am so sorry. All I can say is that perhaps we shouldn't feel like we are battling our kids. I find that when I feel that the boy and I are warring - which happens frequently - that I'm a lot more frustrated. When I approach it from a parent-guiding-my-child-for-good-life-habits point of view rather than as enemies fighting until one of us (i.e. - me) is ready to my our head in the oven, I'm a little more patient. This is only possible after I have had a decent night's sleep. And that, my dear, is why I won't be having another baby anytime soon. The sleepless nights, even for a few months, would send me right over the edge when the boy has a particularly willful day.

Let me know if I can help in any way!

[karen]

Mortifying! Totally - you feel as though everyone thinks you spend time at home chanting, "Scratch! Again! More scratching!" It's awful! We dealt with biting in much the same way as you're doing with Delaney and the phase here petered out around nineteen months.

You should try not to associate Delaney's bed with a punishment...it's just asking for trouble. We stuck a kitchen chair in the middle of a room, facing a plain wall (no way to reach a wall to kick or hit, nothing fun to look at while you're there). Until about 30 months, time-outs were supervised - we stood there, saying nothing except "no biting! time out!" if we had to replace the kid in the chair during the time-out minute. Pbbbb...

Good luck! If it's any consolation, my kids will now, occasionally, assign themselves time out, as happened yesterday. Lars had helped himself to the hose, filling a basement window well and blasting the side of the house (open windows and all - much fun). As I turned off the water, he guiltily brought the nozzle back and then went straight in to time-out, all on his own. Time served, he apologized and promised that he will not use the hose without asking again. We'll see about that...but it's nice that he's got the time-out routine down!

[Jamie]

Colleen:

I read this earlier this week and wanted to comment but I don't really have any advice for you. Amelia has bitten me a few times but luckily doesn't seem too interested in it but lately she is scaling furniture like a monkey! I was going to suggest at the gym class that as soon as she starts to scratch (if you can catch her...again, the hovering thing stinks) that you immediately pick her up and take here out of the room but then you've paid for the class so maybe that is too extreme. Have you posted on any message boards (Baby Center, iVillage?) Good luck! I know this is frustrating.

[starshine]

In our playgroup we have a notorious biter (recently blogged about it too! LOL)and I'll admit it is easy to cast judgement upon the Mom cause the behaviour won't stop. Luckily cooler heads have prevailed and the Moms are continuing to talk to the Biter's Mom about what could be the cause of the behaviour.

Some of our thoughts are...
1. The Biter does it when she is tired.
2. She feels her playmates are "hers" and perhaps she is asserting her dominance over them.
3. She is having a hard time with her "words." At the age of two her vocabulary is limited and she could be frustrated and this is how she communicates.

I'm so glad I read this post as it give the other side to the story.

Nice meeting you in chat last night! ;)

[Fatcat]

I think this will pass on its own. Maturity will help. Keep being consistent at home. I might choose to keep her away from other kids as much as possible for a while, but I think this is just a stage.

Good luck!