I could cry

My first set of tears is from pure relief and joy that it's SO beautiful outside. In fact, I'm sitting on our deck enjoying the cool--YES, COOL!--breeze and it's only 80 degrees right now. The humidity is low and it's gorgeous! While it's definitely been cooler the last week or two than it was over the ridiculously hot summer, today is by far the most wonderful day we've had since last spring. Thank God. I was getting depressed by the unrelenting heat and lack of rain. It's rained twice (maybe even three times?) in the last two weeks. Fall is looking up already!

My second set of tears is over the frustration I'm feeling as a mother who can't seem to solve her child's number one, and really only, problem. But, let me start by telling you about the lovely morning we shared.

Delaney and I went to library lapsit story hour for the first time today. It's for 0-18 month-olds and it was fantastic! There were babies of all ages up to about 3 years and Delaney sat quietly on my lap listening to the stories and songs. After the formal part of the program they had free play time with more books and lots of toys. And, there's a really nice playground right next door to the library where we played afterwards. Delaney was reluctant to swing or climb but I think the more we go the more she'll like it. All I could think was, "Why haven't we done this before???" Maybe if we'd been going since she was born I'd have made some new friends by now. Many of the parents (there were even three dads there with their kids!) seemed to know each other. I talked to a few but didn't exactly strike up any new friendships (yet...maybe there's hope). I think we'll start going each Wednesday or at least every other Wednesday. Plus, our library system has these things all over town. I grabbed a schedule so we can see what other days/times are available. I'm starting to think that one of my solutions to Delaney's scratching problem is to spend more time with her when she's around other kids.

Which leads me to the topic over which I'm sheding tears of frustration: Delaney's scratching (now with added hair-pulling too!). For some reason Delaney's problem, which was starting to get better, began apearing more and more over the last two weeks. Something tells me that the weaning may be involved in her increase in acting out. I think she's having some separation issues and frustration over the weaning but doesn't know what she's feeling or how to express it. On Monday when I went to pick her up from the gym, she was sitting on a chair in "time out."  She'd scratched three kids in one hour. The daycare director told me that the gym's general manager saw Delaney scratch two of the kids and wanted to know how long that's been going on with her. The daycare director basically gave me a gentle warning letting me know that if this doesn't get nipped in the bud soon, they may not let Delaney come back. I was mortified, of course, and angry and sad. We've been working with her on this for nearly 8 months (!!!) and we only see small improvements from time to time but the behavior is always there, even if it's just lurking beneath the surface.

After that episode, I totally dreaded going to The Little Gym on Tuesday, but was relieved when things went so well. I hovered around Delaney constantly but that seems to be part of the key to getting things solved. I reminded her to say, "Hi!" when she approached a baby or kid, thereby putting her focus on her greeting instead of how much flesh she could grab in her little hands. It worked! I did the same thing at the library today and she did a super job of keeping her hands to herself and she played nicely with others. Of course, the whole point of going to the gym is so I can work out and I can't be there with her in the daycare every minute hovering if I'm doing that. So I'm not sure what will happen there. I'm frustrated that the daycare director isn't more understanding, especially since I've tried to enlist the help of the staff there and I've been very upfront about the situation from the beginning. Part of me wanted to tell the director to go f*ck herself, that Delaney and I don't need their stupid gym. But I didn't. I don't want to be that parent--the one who can't take responsibility for her child's actions and for correcting them. I know the director's just doing her job and wants to protect the other kids. It must be frustrating for her to have to explain repeatedly to the parents of the wounded kids that my daughter has this problem we can't seem to solve and their kid got hurt.

I'm not giving up on solving this problem and I'm not going to stop taking her to the gym unless they force me to. I think it's important that Delaney is still placed in situations with lots of kids and adults so she eventually overcomes this. I won't always be right by her side to keep her from scratching. By sending her to the gym, she'll (hopefully?) start to learn from other authority figures that it's not OK to scratch. If I keep her home all the time she won't socialize and play with other kids and I don't think keeping her alone will stop the behavior. The part of the cure of taking her back to the gym is not very palatable to me, but I've got to forge forward on this.

Pass the tissue, please.

Comments

[Texasbelle]

It may just also be a factor of her age. I believe my Emma is older than Delaney but just the other day at Chik fil -a, she pinched a girl older than her and the girl's mother was none too pleased. Either was the crying little girl. I also remember Emma following a younger boy (last year sometime) only to tackle him and bite him for no reason. I don't believe you have the one child who is behaving poorly, they all seem to have their moments and gradually, with work and patience, they will get through it. You working so closely at the little gym sounds absolutely perfect but yes, the whole reason I take them to the gym is so that I can work out and not worry about what is going on in the daycare. I'm sorry to hear about the gym director's involvement. She must not have kids herself?!

[Jenny]

Hailey had a boy in her class who bit her...a lot. The daycare director was really apologetic but I really felt worse for the boys mom because I knew that she was banging her head against the wall to get him to stop. They finally figured out that he was biting Hailey because he just liked her so dang much that he couldn't find another way to express it. Like hugging her...with his teeth. They encouraged them to play more together and eventually the biting faded away.

Maybe Delaney just wants so badly to interact with the child but doesn't know how to do it yet? Regardless, don't beat yourself up over it. It'll pass with time...and bactine.

[MamaChristy]

The weather IS fantastic. I took the boy to the lapsit and park in our area today, too, and it was just lovely. Can we lock this in? I'll take it every day.

Okay, I know that the gym people are trying ot protect the other kids, but obviously they aren't taking the time with her that she needs. You have spoken to them about this at least a dozen times, explaining you you are trying to correct the problem and I don't know why they would - even politely - threaten to kick her out. Perhaps a meeting with the day care center director is in order? So you can explain taht you are doing things outside of the gym to help curb the behavior, because they likely think that you aren't really doing much when that is not the case at all. Every. single. kid. does stuff like this. It is a part of growing up. My boy has pushed Delaney before and he sometimes does that to other kids as well. I tell him it is wrong and help in say "sorry" and, though it has taken some time, he's getting the hang of it. At this age (about 1 to three years) kids have very little impulse control. They can't help but want what another kid has. They don't know all of the proper ways to show frustration or even appreciation. Goodness. If they can't handle kid's quirks, they shouldn't be in child care.

And you wonder why I'm reluctant to join the gym.

[Lisa]

Ahh . . . jealous over your weather. It should arrive here by morning and I'm SO looking forward to it.

About Delaney, all of the above advice sounds good to me as does your approach. Keeping her away from others won't solve the problem and hovering will certainly help. I like MamaChristy's idea of speaking to the gym daycare director. I'm sure other parents aren't happy about their kids getting scratched, but surely this isn't the first such incident and we're talking about a one year old, not some older kid bully who should know better.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Heather]

Colleen,

I think it's a great idea to do the library activities. What a lot of fun for both of you!

It sounds to me like the problem with the gym daycare is poor supervision. One of the lessons we learned when we began taking 12 month old Lauren to daycare was that kids bite, kick, and scratch. Your kid was going to bite, kick, and/or scratch another kid, and was probably going to get bit, kicked, and/or scratched. Sure, getting an incident report was upsetting. Particularly, for me, anyway, when it was my kid doing the behavior.

One thing strikes me though, Colleen. The daycare we used NEVER put a kid under 2 in time out because they don't understand it. They would first encourage the kid to stop, think, and make a better choice. "Delaney, stop and think. Let's play with the ball with Lisa instead of scratch her. Better choice." And if need be, separate the child and distract her with something else.

[karen]

I think part of me actually curled up and died the first time we got the "Behavior Report" saying my kid had bitten another kid. Mortified didn't begin to cover it! The longer it went on, the worse I felt, as if everyone thought I sat at home coaching him to bite people. Eventually, I figured out that anyone who really thought I might do that didn't actually have kids - anyone with kids knows that it's just something kids do. Parents discourage it (exactly as you're doing!) and eventually the kid moves on to some other annoying habit which must be trained out.

I wish you patience and luck and better cooperation with care at the gym. I'm with Heather...Delaney is too young for time out to be useful!

[Mrs. Flinger]

Um. You got a ton of great advice here so I won't feel bad that I have none ot offer. But, I know LB is a lot like Delaney and I'm doing the same things you are. Trying to place her in those places she'll have to learn to be civil. It's slowly happening but we did go through the hitting/spitting phase, too. (scratching some) And it seems to be getting better. I bet you just keep doing what you are and it'll click. You're probably right on with the wheaning thing.

And see? I thought I had no advice. :-)