The dark

I didn't blog about Delaney's first three months because I hadn't yet learned it was a viable option for capturing our memories of life with her yet. She was an easy baby, but I think I really idealized just how easy her first few weeks were. Now that I'm in that place again, the first week of life with a new baby, I'm reminded that it wasn't easy back then either. It was hard. Unbelievably hard. And I'm back in the dark again. learning my way with this tiny, new human whose rhythms are unknown to me. My time in the dark didn't last long with Delaney. I have no idea how long it will last this time. But now that I'm in the middle of it I can't see the light. Everyone around me reminds me that it's there and it's coming so I'm hopeful. But it's difficult to believe that nights granting only one or two hours of sleep will ever come to an end.

It's the same old story: I love my son. He's beautiful and amazing and he takes my breath away. Watching Delaney with him slays me each time. She's been great. I'm happy and proud and lucky, so so lucky. Still, I'm a zombie controlled by wayward hormones and fueled by worries large and small. I knew the pitfalls of this early postpartum period. I knew to expect mood swings, crying, anxiety. But I thought because I'd been through it that I could avoid it this time. I was wrong. I held out on crying until today but once the flood gates released it was open season on Kleenex. I keep trying to tell myself that this too shall pass. That things will normalize and get easier and that it's not even a week since Waylon's birth but, again, when you're in the middle of that dark place, it's so very hard to see the way out.

Comments

[Kelly O]

I hear you, man, I hear you. Deep, cleansing breaths....

[Jamie]

I'm glad to hear that Delaney is adjusting to being a big sister.

You hang in there mama and rest when you can. (And take all the help you can get!)

[moxiemomma]

hang in there babe. i went through the same with the girl. of course you don't know what to do yet--you've just met him! you need time to get to know one another. it's a crazy little system, but it will get better and easier. exponentially. with each passing day. (just think of all the things you've learned about waylon in the past week!)

i'm around. email if you want a virtual ear ;)

xomox

[Mindy]

It's all a dress rehearsal for the years ahead of you ... ;)
It is the roller coaster of life - but I'm thinking about you...and hope you can get some rest in the shadows of the darkness.
PS: Kiss my niece and nephew for me -

[Mindy]

PS: I agree with Jamie...
don't tell anyone NO - If you have offers for help - SAY YES!

[Arkie Mama]

You're in the dark place at the moment, but remember -- reach back and look really, really hard! -- that it does pass, especially once you and that cute new guy have fallen into comfortable patterns.

(I sobbed through a roll of toilet paper one night. Believe me, I know the place you're describing.)

Just give those hormones a little time to start leveling out and don't be afraid to say it's hard when it IS hard.

I love your honesty -- such a great post.

[karen]

In about a month, you'll be wondering at how Waylon's turning seven - when did that have time to happen? Hang in there...

[MamaChristy]

Thinking of you...